


Bag of Snakes

by silkmoth



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: First Time, Humor, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-10
Updated: 2011-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkmoth/pseuds/silkmoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A match made in heaven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bag of Snakes

**Author's Note:**

> There isn’t even a bit of angst in this one. And when I say Canon!AU, I mean CANON!AU. In caps.

**Bag of Snakes**

“You... What? You did what? Father, please tell me you’re kidding!”

Lord Balinor rolled his eyes. “Listen, Merlin… he’s a good match. Even you should…”

“ _Arthur PENDRAGON?_ ”

“Well, it’s not as if you have to marry Uther, you know?” Seeing his son’s face becoming even more furious, Balinor sighed and let his head fall back on the back rest. He had known this would be difficult.

“Father… we’re talking about the Pendragons. You do still remember they’re the enemies, don’t you? We’re warlocks, the Pendragons kill everyone who looks even slightly like one! And on top of that… WHAT THE HELL? Why would Uther want to wed his son to another man? Doesn’t Arthur need an heir some day? And… is that even allowed?”

“It is when we say it is. And about the heir… you and I, we both know you can have children, if you want.”

Merlin stood up, startling red in the face, and Balinor sighed again. “Father… you didn’t tell that to Uther, did you! Gods, you did! That should be nothing to him! I can’t believe you did that!”

“He had already heard rumors, Son. And anyway, Uther isn’t so set against magic anymore… All right, he still is, but he wouldn’t mind some ally, some powerful, noble ally who can do magic. They apparently had quite a few problems with dark magic over the last years.”

“Of course they had! If you murder as many magicians as Uther did, a few people will be out for revenge!” Merlin sat down again, pale-faced now. “Why doesn’t he marry a witch?”

“Because there aren’t any witches who are also princesses,” Balinor replied calmly. “Merlin, think about it for a minute. This could mean the end of Uther’s war against magic. You could save hundreds of lives. And after all, you have agreed that I will choose your match.”

“That happened before you lost your mind! No, Father…”

“Merlin!”

“No! No, no, no! I won’t do it!” With that, Merlin jumped up and stormed out, startling guards and dogs with his haste.

Balinor huffed. He wondered if Uther was facing the same problems he was.

***

“ _EXCUSE ME?_ ”

“Lower your voice, Son. You have no choice, it’s been decided.”

“Certainly not! You want me to marry a man? A man, who is a warlock? Are you _NUTS?_ ”

“Arthur!”

“NO, Father! I don’t like men that way! And HELL! I need to marry someone who can give me an heir.”

“He can.”

“He can what?”

“Get pregnant.”

Arthur stared at him, and Uther tried to control his breathing.

“What did you just say?”

“Prince Merlin can become pregnant.”

“But how… how can he even… EW! DO NOT TELL ME!”

“I can’t tell you because I have no idea how it works but it’s true.” Uther leaned forward. “Arthur… you have been the one pestering me about overthinking my stance on magic. And we both know that… well, we need help. The son of Lord Balinor is the perfect choice. Deal with it.”

***

“ _What?_ ”

“I said, Uther and Arthur will arrive today.”

Merlin looked at his father out of big eyes. “Uther will come here? Into _your_ realm?”

“Yes. He has agreed that the first meeting will take place here. Come on, Merlin, I wouldn’t send you to Camelot without entering into an agreement first.”

“Father, if I were you, I wouldn’t sign a treaty. I won’t marry this ass!”

Balinor sighed; he did that quite often lately. “You don’t even know Arthur yet. Who knows, maybe…”

“I know his father! That’s enough for me! You won’t find a bigger ass in all of Albion!”

“And I knew Arthur’s mother. She was a beautiful lady, inside and out… and Uther was a good man then, too.”

This time, Merlin sighed. “I know all the stories about Ygraine, Father… Morgause and Morgana do nothing else than talk about the old times. But Ygraine wasn’t there to raise Arthur… Father, did Arthur already agree to… _this_?”

Balinor did his best to try and listen to his son; alone the mentioning of Morgause and Morgana was one hell of a distraction. “I’m sorry? Oh yes, he did.”

“Why?”

Balinor shrugged. “I guess because Uther told him to?”

“See?” Flailing, Merlin jumped up. “That’s what I meant! That’s _exactly_ what I meant! He is such a good little prince and does everything his father tells him to do! So in fact, I _will_ be marrying Uther!”

Watching his son storming out of the throne room for the umpteenth time in the last weeks, Balinor nodded, satisfied. This conversation went far better than he thought it would.

***

“Arthur, could you maybe try and stop looking like you will throw up any minute?”

“That would be hard, Father. Because I feel like I _will_ throw up any minute.”

“Arthur!” Uther reined his horse in and then he threw a warning glance to the knights and guards because they didn’t back off fast enough. And these were the best men he had… it was embarrassing, really. They were huddled together like frightened chicken.

“Father, I agreed to this… madness. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I still don’t understand why I have to _marry_ a warlock! Couldn’t you just hire one?”

 _As if I haven’t tried_ , Uther thought grumpily. Well, it was better not to dwell too long on that disaster… after all, the next disaster was already waiting for them, if his son didn’t change his attitude. “Arthur… remember, Lord Balinor will be a very powerful ally. And as far as I heard, Prince Merlin is even more powerful. So please, mind your manners! Treat Merlin like…”

“Like what? A princess?”

“Uh… I guess?”

“Well, then let’s hope he _looks_ like a princess!” With that, Arthur rode on and Uther followed, more slowly. After a few meters, the King turned his horse around again and yelled, “Would you mind coming with us?”

***

“Merlin! Open the damn door! Uther will arrive any moment!”

“I can’t, Father, I’m sorry. I don’t feel so good. I think I’m getting the runs,” the muffled reply came.

Although he knew it was completely futile, Balinor hammered against the door once more. “Merlin!”

“Sorry, Father.”

“My Lord?”

Balinor turned to face one of his house druids. Seeing murder in the eyes of the usually peaceable man, he sighed – again. “What is it, Elban?”

“ _King Uther_ has arrived.”

Balinor nodded, threw another furious look at the closed door and then he marched over to the stairs and down onto the courtyard.

Uther and his son had already dismounted, while the rest of their company was still sitting on their horses, looking like they would run away any minute.

“Balinor.”

“Uther.”

They shook hands, and Balinor had to give it to the other man; Uther at least tried to smile. His son on the other hand…

“Prince Arthur? Are you feeling… well?”

Arthur started to nod, then he laid a hand on his stomach and shook his head. “No, Lord Balinor, I’m afraid I’m not.”

Great. Two princes sitting on chamber pots. “I’m sorry, Prince Arthur. Maybe you would like to rest in your chambers for tonight?”

“That would be very appreciated, Lord Balinor.”

***

Dinner was a stunning success.

***

Arthur, bored out of his mind and hungry as hell –he had missed dinner, after all- looked down from the window onto some kind of garden. The full moon above him was quite bright, but still not bright enough for Arthur to make out whether it was a rose garden or something else. Not that it mattered, but he wondered -if it was indeed a rose garden- why there were so many gnarled trees in it.

 _I’m losing my mind._ Sighing, Arthur leaned a bit forward to take a better look around. There seemed to be no one down there… and the scenery was peaceful. Maybe he should go on a little stroll under the moon… he couldn’t sleep anyway. But first he would search for the kitchens. Mind made up, Arthur went to the door, then he hesitated, looking at his sword. He knew their hosts didn’t approve of swords –and that was a sign of total madness- but that didn’t mean Arthur couldn’t take his sword with him wherever he liked. _Mind your manners, my ass. I won’t let myself be carved up like a pig with one of those druid knives._ Arthur remembered all too well the huge, weird, sickle-shaped daggers all of Lord Balinor’s men carried on their belts… and the way these men had looked at him and his father. Grabbing his sword, he silently opened the door and entered the completely empty hallway. Now… where were the kitchens?

***

Merlin, sitting under his favorite tree in his father’s herb garden, was bored out of his mind. Right now, he regretted not attending to dinner. He was hungry and –as he had heard from Elban- Prince Charming hadn’t even been there. Stomach problems. _Yeah, sure_ , Merlin thought, _more likely he had peed into his pants_. Elban had also informed him gleefully of the way he and the other druids had terrorized Uther’s men. Hell, he had missed lots of fun this night.

A sudden clanking sound made him look up, and then Merlin had to put a hand over his mouth to not laugh out loud. One of Uther’s minions, a knight probably –his tunic looked too expensive to belong to a guard-, was trying to enter the Gardens with a _sword_. Merlin grinned. _Look at this idiot._ He scrambled to his feet quietly and sneaked closer to the twit who still tried to march through the lush archway, obviously not realizing why he couldn’t. _I guess I will have some fun tonight, after all._

***

Arthur almost jumped out of his skin when a creepy voice whispered right into his ear, “ _Don’t you know it’s not allowed to be out here in the dark?_ ” Spinning around, he couldn’t see anyone, but he heard a weird, demonic laughter. He swallowed hard but refused to let himself be spooked into running away. “Who’s there? Come out where I can see you!”

“ _In the dark, I can steal your soul…_ ”

This time, Arthur backed off a step, hair standing up on end, hand on his sword. Before he could actually draw it, he heard the evil laughter again… and then it changed into a helpless sounding giggling. Baring his teeth, Arthur went forward again, only to crash once more into the invisible barrier below the archway, which brought on another burst of laughter from _someone_. “Whoever you are, you’re amused easily, aren’t you?” Arthur hissed. “Show yourself!”

Finally, a dark head popped up out of one of the bushes to Arthur’s left side, still laughing. Arthur stared at the guy; he had a weird face, the angles seemed to be off somehow, not to mention the protruding ears but… far more fascinating were the sparkling blue-gold eyes. Arthur had never seen such eyes before. “Who are you?”

“Who are _you_?” The guy asked back, smirking. “The bravest or the most stupid of Uther’s knights?”

“I’m Uther’s son.” Wrong thing to say. The smirk vanished, the mischief vanished, and the other man’s eyes seemed to be _orange_ now.

“Ah shit! You’re Arthur?”

“Yeah… why do you… ah shit! You’re Merlin?”

“Yeah.”

The two princes stared listlessly at each other for a moment. Then Merlin huffed. “Well, let’s get this over then. Come in here… and drop your sword first, Crown Prince.”

Rolling his eyes, Arthur leaned his sword against the fence and entered the garden. _Good grief_ , he thought. _He certainly doesn’t look like a princess. He’s taller than I am. Great. Just great._

***

“So… my father told me you can… uh… you’re a very powerful… warlock?”

“Why? You want a new brain? I’m good, but not that good.”

***

“All right… you think you can handle the magical threats on Camelot?”

“Well… I can promise you, no one will harm me. Your husband will survive.”

***

“Okay. Is it at least true you can … uh, give birth to my heir?”

“Wow. We know each other a few minutes and you’re already asking me if you can knock me up? Explains a lot… for example, why you haven’t managed to marry a nice girl yet.”

“As far as I heard, you’re not exactly beating them off with a stick either!”

“That’s true. I’m beating boys off with a stick. I’m picky. Sadly, my father isn’t.”

***

Only Lord Balinor and King Uther appeared at breakfast. It was a very peaceful affair.

***

The wedding party had just - _just_ \- arrived at Camelot when Morgana thought it funny to sic an undead on Uther. The gray and awful smelling not-dead knight including his horse went up in flames by one glance of Merlin. To his utter mortification, Merlin noticed too late that he had just saved Uther’s life. Morgana and he glared at each other for awhile, while his father, with his ‘Wasn’t that fun?’ expression on his face, banged a pale looking Uther hard on the back. Arthur, on the other hand, looked at Merlin as if considering the odds of the same happening to him on their wedding night.

Merlin was far too caught up in the silent hissy-fit he had going on with Morgana to pet his future husband’s head; and anyway, it wasn’t as if he wanted to reassure Arthur. It was bad enough that a tiny, tiny part of him actually looked forward to becoming married to the blond prince. Arthur might be a half-wit, but he liked to yell at Uther… and he was also kind of brave. Merlin had found out on the second day of their visit to his father’s home. A fairy had been flying toward Merlin, pink all over and therefore clearly with good intentions, and Arthur had jumped right in front of Merlin, sword drawn, and had gotten a facefull of fairy dust. If it had been, say, a black fairy, Arthur would have been dead. As it was, he had only stopped speaking and smiled a lot for two days.

And sadly, Merlin was a sucker for brave guys.

***

With all the fun, the cheering and swearing going on, no one noticed Mordred arriving, so the little shit managed to sneak up on Arthur. Things first got bloody, then awkward, then blurry and in the end awkward again. Merlin really wished Elban and Morgana would stop yelling; after all, none of what happened had been his fault. He hadn’t known Mordred was meant to be the grand leader of the druids some time in the future, and even if he _had_ known, what did they expect? Him clapping his hands while his betrothed went down in a spray of blood? It had been a good idea to hex the little ass into a dandelion so he could unhurriedly heal Arthur. How the hell could he have known there were so many goats out for dandelions in Camelot?

***

He would never admit it, not even under the threat of death, but Arthur found himself looking forward to being wed to Merlin. It wasn’t so much the fact that the guy could obviously save whole Albion from dark magic attacks without moving one finger… this part was actually scary and a bit creepy. No, it was more about Merlin’s humor, for example. Although he did his best to not show it and laugh, Merlin was… funny. And not boring. And weirdly good-looking. In the last weeks, Arthur had obviously developed a fondness for tall, dark haired, pale, lanky, blue-eyed guys. He was doomed.

Then, there was the way the other prince sometimes looked at him. It made all the fine hairs on his body stand up on end, and not in a bad way. Arthur just hoped Merlin would know what to do tonight, because he had no idea at all.

Sighing, Arthur stood up and surveyed his armor once more. He really wished it would be formal enough for the ceremony. He suspected that neither Lord Balinor nor Merlin nor… Morgana, who was somehow related to his soon-to-be husband, would be amused if Arthur didn’t look his best on his wedding day. With another sigh, he glanced at his sword that was standing a bit lost in one corner of his chambers. Merlin had been very clear on that… he didn’t want any swords at the wedding. After Uther and the rest of Camelot had seen what Merlin was able to do, they all had agreed, if a little reluctantly. Arthur hoped this didn’t mean he had to give up swords completely.

***

When Arthur entered the throne room, praying to the Gods he looked proud and graceful and not scared to death, the first thing he saw was the pained expression on his father’s face. Then he noticed that every Pendragon banner, even the ones on the guards’ tunics, had changed. They were now sporting chewing goats.

***

To everyone’s surprise, no one died at the wedding.

***

“Arthur, would you please come to bed? I promise I won’t hex you.”

“I don’t think so.”

Merlin smiled; his brandnew husband had become more and more skittish over the last hours; when Uther and his father had announced the time had come for the bridal couple to retreat to their chambers, Arthur had frozen. He still had to thaw yet.

“Arthur…”

“Why are you so calm?”

“Maybe because I _could_ hex you into a toad when you make a wrong move?”

“You’re so very funny.”

Merlin laughed and then suddenly groaned; before his husband could twitch he was out of bed and over at the door, opening it. “If you two want to survive this night, go away and listen in to someone else. If I’m not very mistaken, Father has something going on with a maid. Perverts.” He shut the door again and waited until he heard Elban and Morgana packing up their pillows and candles and moving along toward his father’s chambers, grumbling. Seriously. When he turned around again, he saw Arthur looking more shell-shocked than ever. All right. Words didn’t help here, obviously.

Merlin marched over, and since Arthur was already pressed against the wall, he pressed him a bit more against it and kissed him, very sloppily. As he had expected, in the next minute he found himself pushed against the wall, Arthur taking over with a vengeance. Things became quite brilliant after that.

Some time later, while he was still petting the blond hair on his shoulder, Merlin pondered that he could have done worse, husband-wise. He also noticed that there was the very possibility of him falling for Arthur. Ah well. It wasn’t as if he had to tell him, after all.

  
***

“Arthur… not that this isn’t really great and all… but if you want an heir, we have to work on your stamina.”

“I, uh, don’t really want an heir.”

“… since when?”

“It’s just… it won’t work. It will never fit in.”

“Aw. Believe me, it will.”

***

“Uggnnnfff…”

“…yeah.”

***

“A girl! She is so beautiful, Merlin!”

“Yeah, she is. I just hope she’s also got my brains.”

***

“A boy! Would you look at him? He’s gorgeous!”

“This one takes after you. It was bloody difficult to get him out.”

***

“TWINS!”

“I admit defeat. Arthur, I love you, but you won’t ever touch me again.”

“D’awww. I love you, too, Merlin.”

“Did you even listen to me? I meant that. Arthur… ah, whatever.”

***

Geoffrey had long ago given up counting the many little princesses and princes running around. So had Uther, but the King was enjoying his grandchildren immensely. For some incomprehensible reason, he was especially fond of the firstborn, Yselle, no matter that she was hexing him into some kind of frog every time she could get away with it. Balinor threw worried glances at his son and dark looks at his son-in-law, whenever he was around. Thankfully, he wasn’t in Camelot often, not since he had –to everyone’s horror- married one of Camelot’s maids, Guinevere. Merlin spent his days lying in the grass, watching out for their kids and making fun of his husband, who was, although nearly forty years old, still not King. And Arthur… Arthur was simply happy.

  
The End.

~ Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. ~

Leonardo Da Vinci


End file.
